Loss, Grief & Ambiguous Loss Through Addiction
Sometimes the hardest grief is for someone who is still here. The person you knew — your parent, your partner, your child — has been replaced by someone you barely recognise. And no one sends flowers for that kind of loss.
Grieving someone who is still here
Ambiguous loss is one of the most painful experiences families affected by addiction face. The person is physically present — sitting at the dinner table, sleeping in the next room — but the relationship, the connection, the person you knew, has gone. Or comes and goes unpredictably.
Unlike bereavement, there is no funeral, no sympathy cards, no socially recognised moment where people rally around you. The loss is invisible, ongoing, and often cyclical — you grieve, then they get better, then you hope, then it happens again.
What makes this grief different
- It's unresolved — there's no clear ending, so the grief has no natural resting place
- It's cyclical — hope and loss alternate with each relapse and recovery
- It's stigmatised — people don't understand how you can grieve someone who's alive
- It's layered — you grieve the relationship, the family life, the future you planned, and sometimes your own lost years
- It coexists with love — you haven't stopped loving them, which makes the grief more complicated, not less
How therapy helps with ambiguous loss
In therapy, we name the grief. We acknowledge that what you're experiencing is real loss, even if the person is still alive. From there, we explore:
- Making sense of the grief — understanding ambiguous loss as a concept often brings enormous relief
- Finding ways to hold both hope and grief at the same time
- Adjusting expectations without giving up on the person
- Building meaning and connection in other parts of your life
- Processing bereavement if someone has died from addiction — with its unique layers of guilt, anger, and stigma
Hope looks different here
My research found that for families affected by addiction, hope often shifts over time. The hope that someone will stop using may give way to smaller, more sustainable hopes — for a good day, for a conversation that doesn't end in tears, for your own peace of mind.
This isn't giving up. It's a more realistic, more durable kind of hope — one that doesn't depend on someone else changing. And it's something we can work towards together.
Common questions
Can you grieve someone who is still alive?
Yes. This is what psychologist Pauline Boss calls 'ambiguous loss' — the person is physically present but psychologically absent, or they've become someone you barely recognise. The grief is real, even if no one else acknowledges it.
I feel relieved sometimes. Does that make me a bad person?
No. Relief, guilt, anger, love, and grief can all exist at the same time. Feeling relief — that they're in rehab, that a crisis has passed, even that they're no longer in your daily life — is a completely human response to an impossible situation.
What if they've died from their addiction?
Bereavement after addiction carries unique layers — guilt, anger, stigma, 'what if' thinking, and sometimes relief. Therapy can help you process this without judgement and find a way to grieve that honours both your love and your pain.
Your grief deserves to be heard
If you're carrying a loss that no one else sees, therapy can give it a place.
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